The heart is one of the major organs of the body, how is it that something so major can be so tough yet so fragile at the same time? This delicateness applies to both the physical and emotional pieces of the heart. I mean quite frankly it’s amazing how one can experience so much love and warmth and excruciating pain from one part of the body. Here’s a small PART of my story that is important to share, it helped me to TRULY understand (And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9)
I don’t want to be that person who sings the same song you hear over and over again about a specific topic. I do hope that something about my song will resonate with you. Creating a family is a desire for many people and some that I've always wanted. Being part of “something” is important. I’ve never lacked love or support from my immediate family, my parents did a great job with myself and my brothers. I’m the youngest, and of course, being in my mid-30s I can see parts of my life that have contributed to my responses, actions, and decisions whether good or bad, taught or unknownly learned. I’m aware of those things and I’m doing my part to make healthier decisions now and in the future.
I’ve experienced loss in many forms. I’ve said goodbye to places and people. But my losses sporadically came in waves within a couple of years apart, not really ever having time to fully recuperate before another loss took place. Picture this:
October 2012 (ex-boyfriend passed)
November 2013 (grandfather passed)
March 2014 (grandma passed)
January 2015 (godfather passed)
June 2017 (godmother passed)
June 2017 (abortion)
October 2018 (miscarriage)
May 2020 (ectopic pregnancy & tube removed)
June 2020 (aunt passed)
May 2021 (aunt passed)
July 2021 (uncle passed)
All of these losses impacted me and I could say a great deal about each of them. Not to mention other losses of people I knew or losses of people I no longer communicate with but are still alive. However, I want to speak directly about the ones that required my body & and my decisions.
In June 2017 I found out I was pregnant and I didn’t share it with anyone except for the father and a couple of friends. Although I didn’t want to even consider abortion I knew that I wasn’t in a place to raise a child and I ultimately didn’t want to do it alone (still knew I wasn't making the right decision). The guy that I was with was very sure about not wanting a child and when he did have a child again it would be with his wife. Well, that was two jabs in the gut for me. 1. You don’t want a child and 2. I’m not wife material.. those are the two things that I heard. He provided the money for the procedure and I took the pill home alone. I was SICK in every way possible.
Just a year later in June 2018 I made a decision to be intimate without protection again and this time it was with someone else and I ended up pregnant again. Someone I knew, someone who expressed interest aggresviely for years. But our goals, certain morals and perspectives did NOT match. Guess what I knew that from the onset of meeting him, but I thought the GOOD parts would outweigh the OTHER parts.. and well it doesn’t work like that and yes we were unequally yoked. I knew that I wasn’t choosing to go the route I went the previous year, even if it messed up my plans to NOT be a single woman with children. So many people have conquered single motherhood and I certainly could do it too, deep down inside I just knew that wasn’t God’s plan for me.
Although I’ll leave out some of the specific details this guy was head over heels for me, he’d do anything for me but he admitted to being selfish and he didn’t want marriage and he didn’t want children. I never closed the door for him to come to doctors appointments and to be included in the journey. All he was willing to do was contribute financially when that time came, he said the child would be better off without him. I was embarrassed about my choices , hiding my stomach and I was just genuinely unhappy.
During the 5 month mark I actually started to see a little bit of light. Why?! I was tired of being sad. I have about 4 photos during that time and the day that I took the last photo I sent it to my oldest brother and wife to let them know I was expecting. They live in Connecticut and was excited to hear our parents would have another March birthday in the family (My mom’s bday is in March, my bday is in March, and their son (my nephew’s bday is in March). A week after I sent that picture, my water broke around 2am in the morning (I didn’t know that was what was happening). I got up to use the bathroom and before I could make it to the bathroom there was a leak I called the hospital and the Doctor on duty said I should be fine if it wasn’t an forceful leak with alot of fluid, and it wasn’t).
That morning I made an appointment and it seemed as though I was safe, the heart was beating but I was told to just take it easy. During that week I cramped a little, had some light bleeding and visited the doctor a few more times. In the middle of the week I started contracting (miscarrying) the pain was so AWFUL that I could not move out of the position that I was in, if I tried to walk I would literally fall to my knees. I had to wait on my parents for about an hour before I could get to the hospital every 3-4 minutes I was in excruciating pain. By the time they arrived I knew I’d lost her. I named her Grace. Although I’m skipping the “in-betweens” 2 years later I landed in a similar but very different situation.
This time the baby grew in one of my tubes. The tube ruptured and I experienced internal bleeding, one moment I was in my doctors appointment trying to figure out if there was really a baby (they could not see it on the ultra sound despite my positive pregnancy test). A few hours later I was having emergency surgery, which resulted in one tube being removed. Even though this is a short version of this particular season of my life, it speaks volumes to what loss is; it is when a physical body is no longer alive, it is a vacancy of feeling loved and wanted, it’s missing a part of you that you never fully experienced come to fruition, its accepting that who you wanted to be part of your life in a specific way isn’t working out, its saying goodbye to an older version of you, its letting go of dependency on something or someone, its letting go of the known and sometimes entering the unknown and its stepping out of a comfortable state of being to better oneself or help someone else. The experience is different for everyone. Although loss can be a heavy weight God shows us so much grace before, during and after. Grace to journey through, grace to obtain a new mindset, grace to to continue to believe in us and love us, grace for another chance.
Feel the loss, learn from the loss, get to a point where you share the loss and recognize that if God never does anything else He’s done enough because you’re still here, in your right mind and the journey continues.
-Lindse`
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